Trader Joe’s Peppermint Fluoride-Free Toothpaste vs. Colgate Total: A Minty Showdown

There are few things in life more disappointing than brushing your teeth and somehow feeling less clean afterward. It’s like showering in a rainstorm—technically you’re getting wet, but something just feels… off. That’s the best way I can describe my experience with Trader Joe’s Peppermint Fluoride-Free Whitening Toothpaste: a well-intentioned, slightly chaotic attempt at oral hygiene that left me questioning my life choices.

I don’t review a lot of products that aren’t food related at Trader Joe’s. But I do occasionally and why not. We all use toothpaste (or I hope we do!) so I saw this new toothpaste the other day and said to myself, why not? They say, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” But after finishing a tube of Trader Joe’s Peppermint Fluoride-Free Whitening Toothpaste, I think I might be crying because it happened.

I had high hope, after all, Trader Joe’s has a knack for turning the mundane into the magical. But this toothpaste? It’s more of a minty misadventure. Let’s start with the texture: imagine taking a handful of sidewalk chalk, grinding it up, and mixing it with a splash of mouthwash. That’s about where we’re at. The consistency is strangely grainy, like my teeth are being exfoliated rather than cleaned. I appreciate a good skincare routine, but I didn’t think my molars needed microdermabrasion.

Then there’s the flavor. Trader Joe’s boasts about its natural peppermint oil, which I assume is meant to be refreshing. Instead, it tastes like someone took a candy cane, dunked it in nail polish remover, and called it a day. It’s aggressively medicinal, and not in a reassuring “this must be good for me” way, more in a “should I be concerned?” kind of way.

But let’s address the elephant in the bathroom: the lack of fluoride. Listen, I get that fluoride-free toothpaste is a thing, but I personally like my teeth protected from cavities, thank you very much. Trader Joe’s swaps it out for calcium hydroxyapatite (which sounds like something I’d fail a test on in chemistry class), but call me old-fashioned, I like my toothpaste with a side of actual cavity prevention. Fluoride is the least of my concerns, honestly.

Now, let’s talk about Colgate Total. If Trader Joe’s toothpaste is the rogue scientist of oral care, Colgate Total is the reliable lab assistant who actually follows the instructions. It’s smooth in both texture and flavor, gliding onto my toothbrush like a creamy, minty dream. The mint is present but not overwhelming, unlike Trader Joe’s attempt at peppermint, which feels like a sensory overload. Plus, it doesn’t come with the added crunch of surprise grit. It was pure bliss after Trader Joe’s Peppermint Whitening Toothpaste.

And then there’s the price. Both tubes cost $3.99 (Priced at Target per tube. You can probably get it even cheaper at Costco if you buy the multipack), but here’s the kicker… Colgate Total gives you 6.4 ounces, while Trader Joe’s only gives you 6. That means Colgate is not only the better toothpaste in terms of performance, but you’re actually getting more of it for the same price. So much for Trader Joe’s unbeatable value.

That said, I’ll give Trader Joe’s credit where it’s due: the flip-top lid is much more convenient than the flip cap of Colgate’s tube. But convenience only goes so far when the actual brushing experience makes me question my life choices.

At the end of the day, I love Trader Joe’s for its adventurous spirit, but some experiments are best left in the lab. If you’re a fluoride-free devotee who enjoys an extra crunchy brushing experience, maybe this is for you. But as for me? I’ll be sticking with Colgate Total any day of the week… and letting Trader Joe’s do what it does best, making snacks, not science experiments.